I am not a firm believer in knowing anything
for sure about God, heaven, hell and such - but one thing that
really had a powerful influence on me when I was hanging by a
thread many years ago... was the fear of afterlife
repercussions for suicide.
I had really been very close to suicide. I
had my plan and suicide kit in the trunk of my car at all times. No
one knew about that. And I had been looking into locations
where I could...
Then one day, although I was working, I must
have been home from work that day or come home early. I
happened to see an Oprah show
about "near death experiences." Usually they
are mostly positive, and about seeing a bright light, feeling
a peaceful and loving presence and things like that.
But at the very tail end of the show - there
was a young gal in her 20's who stood up to tell her story
of a near-death experience.
She had attempted suicide and was taken to
the emergency room. She said the room was black and every
time she opened her eyes, she was seeing "demons" coming
Concerned and telling the doctor what she
was seeing, he said she was just hallucinating and it must
be a side effect of the overdose.
She hoped he was right.
But in intensive care, things got worse. She
said it was a tremendous fear - she felt very alienated. "I
felt--I was so small. I felt like no one could help me."
"And there were demons surrounding my
"It was a heavy weight... that I couldn't
fight. I knew they were going to take me."
"And the only thing I
knew how to do was to pray to God and say 'Help Me.'
That girl's story really
made it harder for me to go ahead and kill myself. I wanted to die so badly but
I was afraid of the unknown in the afterlife - and even more
so after seeing her story.
Now I am so grateful for that "accidental" viewing. Or
was that another gift or blessing ?
If I thought for sure that death was merely
an organic transformation and grief for the living - at that
time - there would have been nothing to be afraid of and nothing
special about staying alive.
I have watched for shows with other "negative" near-death
experiences like this one and have seen a few. But some
suicide attempters have had positive "near death" experiences
too, so - who knows ?
Without some kind of spirituality, in life
and in death - it may be easier for us to end our lives. But
because it is so difficult and painful to think of killing
ourselves, I have to think that there is more to living than
just dying of suicide.